I’ve said it, I have M.E/C.F.S.
People never guess that I have an invisible illness, especially a fatigue illness because I appear so energetic and talkative. But yes, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E., and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
It has been a long 12 years, which included being bedridden for 4 years, in and out of care homes and hospital, and finally leaving the faith I was brought up in to lurch to the other side and explore the worlds of spirituality and Tantra.
I am sharing this so you can see where I have come from, and why it is my mission to empower you to live your brightest, juiciest life.
How it started
I first got sick back in late 2003, when I was 14, after having a virus that never truly went away. I already had Irritable Bowel Syndrome that had started soon after I started at High School. Perhaps the clue that High School was not conducive to wellbeing was already there. I was in year 10, and had just started doing my GCSE’s.
Looking back, I found High School extremely stressful. I was highly sensitive and highly driven- which are two typical personality types of people who get sick with fatigue illnesses. Every lesson was a screaming match between the teacher and the kids, and I distinctly remember constantly being told off as a class and how awful we were.
(Believe it or not, I was the goodiest two shoes of all the goody two shoes that ever were, and I actually wanted to learn!)
Fast forward a year, my health completely broke down and I had to leave school.
The following years saw me in and out of hospital, foster care and care homes with my health fluctuating. At one point I was just 5 stone, and couldn’t feed myself or chew. In total I was bedridden for about 5 years, which was pretty much most of my late teens and early twenties.
Body break down. Mind break down.
So I can truly relate to having been at rock bottom. In fact, making a little campsite with a stove, a camp bed and heating up some soup at rock bottom too.
Healing and Recovery
There wasn’t one miracle cure, but many smalls steps and ‘aha’ moments. The biggest one was learning that my symptoms were emotional messages from my body, and so not to be feared but listened to. I realised that I had been living from the neck up, and living my mind rather than in my body.
I tried many therapies, and all of them played a part in rebuilding the shattered castle that was my body.
-The Rosen Method
-The Lightning Process
-The Chrysalis Effect
I have been in steady recovery for the past 5 years now. But it hasn’t just been recovery, it has been growing up and finding myself too. It has really been finding what makes me feel most ALIVE
In the Chrysalis Effect they call it making a Bliss List. A Bliss List is a range of things that make you feel blissful.
Training in the psychic arts was a huge shift, in that I finally embraced my high sensitivity.
This was a liiittle bit of a shock to my Christian family, and Lay Reader father! We had been taught that any spirituality not within a ‘Christian’ context was ‘the Devil’, and dangerous. Tarot Cards and Reiki? Demonic!
But they came to see how Reiki had gotten my body stronger, and that the more I embraced my sensitivities, the healthier and saner I became. Now, my Mum can look at a deck of Tarot Cards and not flinch. (Hey, it’s progress.)
Tantra and Conscious Sexuality
The biggest influence not just in my recovery, but finding my life purpose has been Tantra and Conscious Sexuality. It makes sense in that the past 12 years have been a healing journey, and if I was not healing my wounds with sexuality, I would not be working with all of me.
I believe that we store our biggest, darkest most painful energetic shit in our sexuality, and in our sexual centres. Women have this wound even more, with centuries of conditioning and shame around our bodies.
In discovering that my high sex drive was not a sin, but something beautiful and sacred, and that there existed a spirituality where my female body and desire were fully welcomed, I knew I had found my home.
Tantra is about being in the body, embracing everything as sacred and living in sync with the energy of the universe. This is what suits my body the most, and has provided some of the deepest healing.
I am not completely recovered yet
There is still further to go, and I still get burn out if I am not careful. I am still juggling fatigue with normal, adult life, as well as finding my feet in this world, but it is getting easier.
So, this is me