This morning, I finally did what I’ve been telling myself to do for months, but had been putting it off: I’m feeding my soul with inspirational podcasts. Starting with one of my favourite authors of all time, Elizabeth Gilbert and her podcast, Magic Lessons. Taking inspiration from episode 209, I’m taking a lesson in brave self revelation, and revealing 30 very personal things about me that you didn’t know.
This is something I am very nervous to release, because while I am quite happy to talk about body functions, fluids and genitals, talking about very personal things to me in public is hard. Something I have been striving for in my life is to be AUTHENTIC.
To show up as I am, who I am, where I am. No hiding. No pretending. Showing up in truth.
Some of what I reveal I have never shared with anyone. Others, a select few. My hope in that showing up authentically, as I am, it can inspire you to show up authentically too, as you are.
This, my friends, is me.
1) I have a terrible habit for starting projects and never finishing them. I get so caught up in inspiration, that I lose momentum halfway through and then lose my passion.
2) I find it hard to make my mind up about ANYTHING. FOMO is my biggie, and because of that, it’s very hard to decide on one specific course of action.
3) I am a relentless learner, and absorber of new information, news, ideas, techniques. Simply, I love to learn. I have so many books both where I live, and back at my parents because I want to KNOW.
4) I am an incurable dreamer, and not very good at putting my dreams into action. It’s much easier to daydream than create solid plans.
5) When I was 17 I had a brief period of bulimia. I don’t tell many people this, because I don’t want people to see my secret body torture.
6) I take antidepressants, a mood stabiliser and an anti psychotic. I’ve been on meds since I was 16 (health crash etc), and it’s something I very rarely tell people. I don’t want to be stigmatized.
7) I have a weakness for spending. I have very little self control when it comes to money, and clothes/pretty things. This is something I am constantly feeling guilty about.
8) I went through a period for a few years of chasing after unavailable men. It broke my heart over and over into tiny pieces, that has only started to mend in the past few months.
9) I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, to my first boyfriend. I have no regrets, but I battled with guilt over becoming sexually active for a few years.
10) I still feel angry at Christianity. There. I said it. It’s a constant chip on my shoulder and still triggers me.
11) I am always looking at myself in the mirror. I’m paranoid about how I look, which comes from deep seated insecurity.
12) I watch porn. And I enjoy it.
13) How I will earn a living is my constant obsession. How I can earn a decent living off doing everything I love keeps me awake at night, and occupies my thoughts daily.
14) I have recurring dreams about Twyford- my high school. I’ve had these for the past 11 years- since I first got sick and had to leave school.
15) I have recurring dreams about my Grandad, who died in 2009 and I was too sick to say goodbye and go to the funeral.
16) I never classify myself has having a mental illness, but yes, my diagnosis was anxiety and depression. Most of the time it manifests as feeling highly sensitive, and my moods are easily affected. I can feel very high, or very low.
17) For a long, long time, I carried deep rage at my mother. I had to work with many therapists for many years to heal this, and now I have a very good relationship with her. She is my biggest cheerleader, and I, hers.
18) I still have a comfort blankie, that I sleep with every night. I take it with me every time I go away, and wash it about once a year. The smell comforts me.
19) When I was a child, I was told that stepping on drains with two lids on was good luck, so I always make sure to do it if I see one in the street.
20) I sneeze when I look at direct sunlight
21) Smell is important to me, I love to inhale my lovers/boyfriends when I’m with them.
22) When I was a child, I was playing with a friend pretending to be witches, and I used the Bible as a spell book because it was so big and looked like a spell book. When I told my mum she was so angry that she turned me to face the window and demanded that I apologize to God.
23) The last words I remember my Grandpa telling me (my other grandfather- one was Grandad the other was Grandpa), was when I was sitting on my dad’s lap and Grandpa said to me, ‘So what do you want to be when you grow up? A gangsters model?’. It still makes me smile today.
24) My mother and I have had over 16 guinea pigs over the years, each one holds a special place in my heart.
25) I have never been drunk, I have never smoked a cigarette or tried a drug in my life. I don’t know if I should be proud or embarrassed.
26) I need a lot of emotional support. I always need someone to sound off to, to vent to, to feed back to me. I have a few mother figures in my life who have been my rock, as well as close friends.
27) I find arguments, and conflict HARD AF. I am always the first to back down, to retreat and to apologize, even when I know I don’t need to. I can’t remember the last time I shouted at someone in anger, and I have never hit anyone in anger, ever.
28) When I’m stressed I internalise it and go extremely quiet. Some people I know will explode outwards, me, I implode inwards.
29) I believe I was a prostitute many lifetimes ago, which is why I resonate so much with the archetype of the sacred whore. Perhaps I was one of Mary Magdalene’s disciples? A priestess in an Egyptian temple? A whore of Babylon?
30) I find it hard to find my own voice. I stand in my power. To speak my truth. To stand up and stand firm. This is why I started blogging.
Wow. That was a workout. I didn’t expect to remember that much.
Ok, I’ve bared my heart and soul for the whole of the internet to see.
And I feel so much lighter!