I always thought I was a sexually liberated woman.
That was until I was helping my friend complete his sex coaching course by doing some practicum sessions with him, and one issue that surprisingly came up for me was my idea of virginity.
Deep in my unconscious I am still carrying the traces of shame from my Christian upbringing because I am not a virgin, and have had a few partners.
And I have a sneaky feeling that a lot of people carry this too, deep in their subconscious.
Then I came across this disturbing thread online: ‘No Hymen, No Diamond’.
It is a thread by Men’s Right’s Activists, who preach that a woman who is not a virgin before she came to them are damaged goods (I’m already puking) and are morally subhuman.
“They say one mans trash is another man’s treasure… But you won’t see us sifting through the garbage for a wife!”, was one particularly nauseating comment on their facebook group.
Ohhh god. Breathe, Lucy. Don’t do anything stupid.
This proves that virginity is still a very relevant topic for 2015, even after the sexual revolution
So instead of getting into an angry online argument which would probably result in threats of violence, I racked my brain and did my research to help you (and me) release any more hangups we have around virginity.
#1 It is a Thing
For centuries, virginity was quantified by whether a woman had had penetrative sexual intercourse or not, ie Penis in Vagina. This was used for (surprise surprise) keeping women under control, and also a primitive way to ensure that all the children she would bear a future husband would be his.
But the thing is, virginity as a ‘thing’ doesn’t exist in medical terminology. We know it to generally mean ‘someone who has never had sexual intercourse’, and by sexual intercourse we take to mean penetrative sex.
Here’s the juicy catch: sex does not have to mean penetration. If we expand our view of sexual activity to oral, masturbation or just making out, then should ‘virginity’ be confined to just penetration?
And what about if you are gay, lesbian or trans? Because your concept of virginity will be different again.
#2 Virginity= Purity
In my view, this is by far the most damaging myth because it implicitly refers only to women, and has been used as a reason for domestic abuse, slut shaming, violence and assault by members of the society that believe a woman’s worth is measured by her sexuality.
This myth is usually peddled by religions that if you are virgin it means that you morally better, and worth more than people who are not. For eons, a woman’s virginity was the prize for marriage, and it was bought and sold like at a cattle market.
I shudder when I think about the disturbing trend in the US of Purity Balls, where teenage girls will pledge their ‘purity’ (ie virginity) to their fathers until they marry.
Or Purity Rings, which girls will wear on their ring finger as a promise to stay pure until marriage.
The idea that a woman’s value becomes less once a penis has entered her vagina is a highly damaging myth that has been going on for centuries.
Here in the west, the consequences of this belief are what is behind Abstinence Only sex education, slut shaming in it’s many forms and denying sexual health care. But in many other cultures it manifests as in genital mutilation, forced marriages, or in violence.
From an energetic perspective, this belief makes us carry shame around our genitals that we imprint every time we have sex. And shame is a huge block that prevents us from living fully in our joy.
Maybe I am crazy, but I believe that your purity surely comes from your heart, and how you love and treat others. So then why should it have anything to do with how often you open your legs?
Please, let’s throw out this ridiculous and frankly, dangerous belief.
#3 You can only ‘lose it’ once
This goes back to point #1 that it is a physical entity. Yes, there will be the first time you have been penetrated, but as we know that sexual activity is much broader than penetration, the whole idea of virginity loses it’s meaning.
There will be your first kiss, your first make out session, your first spooning, your first masturbation, your first orgasm… the list is endless. So why should your first penetration have particular weight?
The idea of ‘losing it’, then gives the idea that sexual activity is bad, which leads to slut shaming.
And the concept that once it is ‘lost’, you can never go back. What if we were to apply that concept to everything?
Take for example, the first time you kissed someone on the lips.
It may have been your first crush when you were 6, at the back of the hall at the school disco, or just a dare from somebody. It may have been pleasant, or horrid.
Does that affect your ability to kiss again? No
Does it mean all your future kisses will depend on that first one? No
There will always be a first time for something, but that does not need to affect your future experiences.
#4 Once you ‘lose it’ you are a completely different person
There is a pervasive belief, which is linked to point #2 that being a virgin makes you a better person than people who aren’t because you have kept your ‘purity’.
This is something I unconsciously believed and bought into when I was a Christian, shaking my head in disapproval at those who had given into sin.
But speaking from experience that after your first penetrative sex, I can 100% promise you:
When you wake up the next morning, you will not feel any different or change any of your core values.
(Unless your core value is that you are worthless and used if you lose your virginity before marriage, which is a value you would be much better off for ditching)
Infact, you will probably think, ‘Was that it?!’
You will not suddenly decide to murder babies, you will not decide to shoplift and you most certainly won’t become a heroin addicted prostitute, all simply because you have had penetrative sex.
The only difference you will feel are those you consciously choose to make.
How about this idea…
Instead of viewing virginity as a physical entity that can only happen once, view it as the idea of coming fresh to each experience and partner.
Meaning you are not carrying the pain from previous partners to your next.
You are releasing all expectations of a new partner that were based from a previous one.
And you are knowing that each partner will be a new body to learn about, because what works for one person won’t always for another.
But you still know your body, and are wiser than before.
So you see, virginity really isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
Just remember that what you do with your body is always YOUR CHOICE.
Tell me what you think in the comments below.
Do you believe virginity is important?